Sunday, March 4, 2012
* What giveth? *
So, what giveth? What art thou stand in the society?Everybody have their share of problems, no matter who or where you are. Living amongst fellow human beings can sometimes brings out the complications. To put it simply, we create problems for one another, throw that thinking of having a "simple life" out of the window, it is just a myth, or that would happen if you are living your life as a hermit somewhere deep in the amazon or something..
Living in this modern society does brings us the first world problems. Yes, we lead a comfortable life with abundance of food, technological advancements, entertainment and a concrete roofs above our heads which comes with clean drinking water and sanitary system. So what? We worked hard for them, and we work like drones to maintain them. We lost the basis of our lives, and our purpose. At least, that's how I feel. My purpose seems to be to grow up, work, grow old and die, nothing boombastic, nothing notable.
I feel so frustrated when people do not see the point, and that is by showing some empathy, and think alittle of how much impact one does to another over certain course of actions, and what was said. Yes, it hurts me so bad when I am treated this way, where all faults are diverted to me even when I made no contribution to it. Hey, I am human and I have a heart too, I can only withstand so much verbal abuses before I break apart. It does mean that when I keep my silence means I am ok, nor does it means I don't care. I probably cared too much that it hurts me at the end of the day.
I am not perfect, I make mistakes, and when that happens, I just hope that you will point me to what went wrong and move on from there. If you have issues with anger management, don't make me become a victim of your own predicament while you induge in your own sadness that other people ruined it for you. I can't be taking the point of the sword all the time and not scream in pain. IT HURTS, IT FUCKING HURTS, DO YOU UNDERSTAND!?
I really really really need help in going through this crisis. I lose so much for the little I have gained, even though I tried my best to applease and appease. All I ask for is alittle moderation and compromisation, because that was what I gave as well. Apprantly of course, more often than not, my best is doesnt falls within the range of adequacy. It was taken for granted, and I have myself to blame.
No wonder this crazy world is filled to the brink with assholes, it is so infectous that everyone catches the disease, because when being a good guy doesn't work, it's time for plan B.
I really really don't wanna fight no more. It gets heavier and it intensifies every time. The heart feels so heavy and I don't know what is happiness anymore, I don't know if I made the right choice, and I don't know if I ever give you any happiness that 's special to us, and not be treated like a replacement of someone else. It hurts, it hurts, it hurts so so bad.... Please please understand that I also face challenges in work that you cannot possibly imagine. It is not all nice and comfy over here, there are so many things that I need to control and plan for that I don't even think 24 hours is enough! Managing people and their many expectations are extraordinarily challenging, and it's harder without support. Please please show me alittle empathy and have faith in me.
Please, help me help you. Please be nice. Please have faith so that we can get over this crisis and move on stronger. Just alittle more tenderness.
Wednesday, January 18, 2012
* Unexpected Expectations *
Ya know, as corny as the saying goes that love will struck you at the most unexpected moments and catch one off guard, with fate intertwining random encounters and working it's magic, you get a special chemistry that spins one around and changes everything.I concur, that the above statement is true. In a short flashback poloriod moments, many many events that had occurred had sort of paved the way to us meeting up, and eventually being together. I am sure even on her mind, she would have thought the same that, we, out of the huge pool of other people we know in our lives, would end up falling in love. Trust me, to find someone special in this manner is not within my agenda.
The sequence of event was hardly dramatic, hardly decent enough when one compare our romance to the likes of William Shakespeare's works. But what happened between us was so subtle and delicate that it simply just grew in intensity until today. And here's how the "short long-story" goes:
It was an event where I had to drop by the store execute, to judge on which team was decent enough to represent our district to fight it out in our bi-annual Barista Olympics. There, I saw her ringing in the orders for the customers, and I couldnt take my eyes off her, and with a random comment to my peer beside me, I simple exclaimed to him: "not bad", and that's it, I went to be on my task and I never found out her name, nor ever saw her again.
Many months later, I was assigned to take over the fateful store, after a slight disappointment that it was a different store that I was originally gonna take over, and there, we met again. I finally get to know her name and after working several times, we broke ice and started chatting.
She was in a rough waters with her previous relationship and I was always around, providing counsel and comfort. We started chatting and texting each other, and our comfort level grew day by day, and somehow, I felt uneasy when I didnt text her or if I didnt receive any text from her. And there, I knew that I starts to like her.
Of course, things are too easy for comfort and fate being fate, threw me (or us) on a roller coaster ride. Through pure willpower and perseverence, we weathered through the storms and many disappointments, and we survived. Shortly before we eventually got together, work torn us apart as I had to depart overseas to attend conventions, but thank goodness for technology, we are still able to stay connected, although we are miles apart. Hearing her voice brought me comfort that I had never felt in a very long time, and I simply miss her every waking minute.
Like I say, we have gone through many rough patches and more to overcome ahead, I am really thankful and blessed to have her in my life, and now, everything seems so complete. I am contented.
Monday, January 9, 2012
* 心里话 *
时间过得好快好快，我们已经在一起三个月了！在这些日子已来，时间都过得好充实，不孤单。
我花了好多个晚上，一直都在想我们的事，没有一晚睡得好，但也发觉了好多好多。
和你在一起的时候，都过得好开心，但就感觉少了设么。每一晚，当我们都各自回家的时候，总觉得会即将发生设么事，心里重是怕怕得，好难受。就怕你想太多，就怕我会说错话老是让你生气，就怕失去你。
想着想着，发觉我们之间少的不是爱，儿是我们彼此对对放的不了解。生活习惯和生活圆字不一样，对彼此的要求也不一样，对代彼此的方式也不一样。
你说的对，我们是两个世界的人。但是，在这世界里，没有两个人是相似的。也因此我会不断地改变，渐渐的，和你往幸福的道路前进。
I truthly agree that I am not a good boyfriend, or at least, not the best that you had, hearing it from your own mouth. Of course, that comment hurts, but it drives me further to improve myself.
I really don't believe that there anyone that would fit the other's perfectly, but than again, it makes us imperfectly perfect, as it is only through time, constant refinement
and polishing, that we will arrive at a time where we no longer cares about each other's flaws, but be awed by the beauty of simplicity, by growing and developing to be each other's perfect halves.
I do not want to indulge in self pity nor compare what I have done
And what you have done, what I have said or what you had said. All these are not important, for in truth, we both have done and said many things, to progress to where we are now.
When someone is sweet to you, don't expect that they will be sweet to you all the time because even the sweetest chocolate will expire. I compare our love to honey, where it's sweet and it never expires. But like the bees that make it, the ones involved have to put in a lot of time and effort to make things everlasting.
I make mistakes, break your heart here and there, but realise this, it was never intentional, for mine was also hurt and broken whilst we are drawn into conflict.
But I believe everytime when we come out from a conflict, we come
Out stronger with a stronger conviction to make us work out, though time after time, it seems increasingly challenging.
It does hurt when you keep mentioning about break up and him all the time. But it doesn't decrease my love for you in anyway. I just don't know how to give you the correct reaction, but know this, my world is crumbling inside whenever you mention about him. It hurts when you keep poking fun about my height or my half deafness, calling me names like short legs, I endured because it was all in the name of good fun, and as long as you are happy, and i know that it really irritates you to repeat yourself all the time, and my height doesn't really compliment yours. It hurts when I think that our relationship is just like a time bomb, exploding into pieces once the time is up.
We argued about money, about spending so much, but than again, money can never buy the precious time that I can spend with you, and I can always earn it back, but once time is loss, I can never buy it back.
I know that after tonight, i would be the last person you would wanna see or talk to, but after saying all these, all I truly wanna tell you is that I really love you, truly, madly, deeply do. I just want you to be mind, nobody else.
Fate has brought you into my life, and it has being a magical journey so far. I hope that I we can continue this fate and share the special bond that we have, together.
But if you choose otherwise, I understand.
I am sorry for all the things that I had never done or said, and for being the boring guy that I am that can't keep you entertained. But still, I am happy that we had spent many happy and simple moments together.
Cheers to our 3 months of milestone being together, I love you, and thank you, for making a better man.
晚安..
* "Outrospectiveness" *
Out goes 2011, and incoming 2012. Like everyone else that laments on how time flies, I inclusive. To summarise everything in 3 words, I would best describe it as "eventful, transforming, taxing".2011, a hell of a year that really puts my mental and physical capabilities to test. I gained alot, and also lose alot, so as the saying goes, "you win some, you loose some". I had fought through bravely to gain what I had, and even harder to maintain what I had gained, man, I am contented, my hands are full anyway.
Nobody said that all these are easy, to be split between work, love, friendship, family. I personally had many challenges with it, to put that mythical "work - life balance" into reality. I sweat for it, loose sleep over it, stress over it, well, you name it, I gone through it. 2011 had being a year full of transformation, from career to my transition out of singlehood. So many events that I have difficulties documenting it all down. Refreshing changes that spice up my life, don't ya agree?
I must say that I have not done a good job in everything, but I certainly gave it my best shot so far. I make tonnes of mistakes, but I learned loads as well.
I pray that moving forward, year 2012 would be another fruitful year where I can reach a new milestone in not only my career, but in my relationship with her, while maintaining what I have (family and friends). More expectations to work forward to, I must not drop, or else I will fail everybody. I must prevail.
Friday, October 21, 2011
* The trickling sand of time.. *
As I have being working shift work over this pass 1 and a half year, I am suddenly hit with the fact that I haven't being taking a good look at my love ones and how old age catches up on them. What make me came into realisation was when I was tagged in a recent picture of my maternal grandfather in facebook, and I am pretty astonish to see how much he had aged in just this period of time.Daryl (my 2nd youngest cousin), had just recently celebrated his 2nd birthday (which I can't attend due to work) and Darren, the newborn cousin in the family, is already 5 months old! Gosh! The last time I saw him was in his 1st month baby shower and now how much he had grown! I am pretty sad that I missed out so much of their growth for the sake of work, but yet, I have no choice. Now Daryl look at me like a stranger whenever he sees me and that's really sad..
Time is such a merciless thing, it waits for none, and I for one wish that I can have more time to spend with all of them. Friends and family had being complaining steadily that I had ignored them, but is that really true? I wish I have time for every single one of them, but whenever I am free, they are not, and vice versa. When I took up my current job, I know the sacrifice I have to make. I have not looked back since my decision to make a radical career/industry change for the sake of experience and advancement, I just have a slight regret that I can't manage my time well. Now with the recent changes make into my life (very nice changes :) ), I am still adapting to it and I pray that time would be nicer to me, while I change (or trying to change) my priorities in life.
Pretty much ironic fact is that one can't please everybody, so I can only suck it up in hope that whichever party, will understand the dilemma I am facing, where I have try to manage competing priorities at this phase of life. As the old saying goes, "you win some, you lose some". I just honestly don't know what's at stake, but there will be a time where everything will sort out by itself, for the better, somehow.. All I can do is to maintain optimism, and hope everything would be alright.
I know there would be no end to this, and the end of the day, it is just a job, but still, to do a good job, time, dedication and abit of luck are the only ingredient to maintain it. Trust me, crisis management ala fire fighting is no joke. Trust Murphy to come out with this law, "Anything that can go wrong will go wrong.", ah... I always fall victim to that. But what the heck lah, just go with the flow..it's just a natural process of life's filtering people that will come or go. I just do my best, and if my best is still not acceptable, than, I am really sorry that I can't please you enough. I just need to brace myself when this day happens.. Bless be...
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
* Of intuition. A gift or a curse? *
Intuition noun [in-too-ish-uh
n, -tyoo-] - direct perception of truth, fact, etc., indepedent of any reasoning process; immediate apprehension.
n, -tyoo-] - direct perception of truth, fact, etc., indepedent of any reasoning process; immediate apprehension.
The definination sums it all. Credits to dictionary.com.
More commonly know as "gut feeling", 6th sense or hunches, I am one whom is born to be intuitively sharp. Since the day I had a concious mind, I always feel that my mind differs uniquely from the rest, being able to perceive information that I know nothing of first hand, being able to sense deeply (and spiritually) on my surroundings, being able to predict an immediate future that no one knows about, I can burp out random words that seems to be of no meaning and they are actually real words of other languages, and the list goes on and on..
Since young (or in fact till today), I am puzzled with this ability of mine. I am able to "feel" things that other people couldn't, I am able to detect signs of changes in things or people that other's couldn't. Whenever I relate this to my peers or whosoever, be it as a sign of warning or just something random, people always brush it aside and say that I am just being overly sensitive. Well, over sensitive I am, for whatever I say, seems to come truth. I sense can that my classmate that's sitting behind me will be in for some shit pretty soon in class, and in a flash, I saw the chalkboard duster and chalk flew pass me and hit the classmate with a bull's eye. Another seperate incident was that I suddenly had a feeling that somebody is gonna get hurt my class, and soon enough, a classmate of mine came back into the class from recess and trip and fell for no apparant reason, and hit his head on the desk. And these are some random incident that occur within the many experiences I haad. I am forever astounded by this ability till today, for it never failed to suprise me, but it also gave me an innate sense of fear.
Trust me, when you are born with such insights, the mind starts thinking of the worst. As I grow older, the intuition grew deeper, and scarier, for it gets sharper day by day. My grandfather (he's a spritual and Qigong master) seems to detect the ability in me, and immediately set to work. To save you guys the boredom of the process, I eventually had my "3rd eye" opened one fine day. Since the opening of the "eye", my whole body's sensories evolved, and so's my mind. Suddenly everything seems clear, where I had blur visions of insights, I can actually "see" and "feel" them now. My body, seems to be adapting to the changes of the mind, grew to become ultra sensitive to the surroundings. I am able to sense and manipulate energies in my body and the environment, and it became an ultra radar. My eyelids seems to have a life of it's own, and it will twitch like nobody's business randomly. It took awhile for me to adjust, and after several years of discoveries and moments of truth, I came to conclusion that when my right eye twitch, it spells bad omen and something bad will happen, and vice versa. I started seeing/sensing spirits and other beings of super natural source.
What excites me and scares me at the same time, is that my right eye twitch majority of the time. I can't explain it but bad things never fails to happen. Never fail to detect deaths (among friends and family), never fail to detect arguements (especially with my special one and my ex) amongst many others. And as always, whenever I share or warn them about it, they never seems to listen, and bad things befalls on them, or myself.
I grew fearful.. and since a point of time, I gave up on sharing. And I grew inwards, supressing the feeling and hoping that it will go away. I feel bad because nobody believed me, I feel bad because people make a joke out of it, thinking it's some kinda mumbo jumbo bullshit. Thus, whenever this happens, my mood will change instantly, and my body grew tense, ever watchful of what might happen. I.. really hate this feeling, because I feel moody and listless, losing concentration and focus, I loose alot of sleep over it, whenever my right eye lid strikes. It makes me become a worrier.
I know I can't prevent it, but I always believe that if the eye acts as a sign of warning, there are still possibility of adverting the imminent calamity(s). Of course, I failed badly in this, for what will happen, will happen.
And so as I was constantly berating myself on having this curse of deep insights, I figure that I can use the energy positively by reading Tarot, helping myself, and helping others, in seeking for advises, and seeking the truth.
In all essense of things, and in life, the quest for us all is to seek the truth, gaining knowledge, and enlightenment. That is why life in general, is never perfect, and there are more negativities than positivities. I learned to appreciate all the negative things that had befallened me, providing me with valuable but harsh lessons to develop and mature. Life is not a merciful teacher in the first place.
I know myself that life gets challenging gradually and in intensity, but I can't help it when intuition strikes me like a hammer and never fails to catch me off guard and bad stuff will happen, I can't control my emotions and I grew distance, and people misunderstand me. I just hope that the god have mercy on me, and let me continue on my quest to seek inner peace, and the finer things in life, like love. I don't know how much more punishment I can take, but I hope I don't blow up with all the suppressed feelings inside that I can't even relate it with words. I hate it when people misunderstand me when I grew distant, because I am afraid of hurting them unintentionally. Being an INFJ, things became even more difficult as I can't seem to espress myself clearly. Being the 1% highly intuitive and sensitive (in terms of emotions) individual among the entire world can be quite.. an unique experience.
I know I am alone in this, but than again, life goes on. Come what may. Live strong, and may my willpower sustain me till the end. Till today, I still can't figure if my intuition is a gift or a curse, for it's just like a double edge sword, and I guess, I will never find the answer. Press on Jack.. the ironics of life, I just have to live with it.. believe in modesty and peace.
God help me... blessed be.
God help me... blessed be.
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
* Tarot revealations *
Well, to the layman, a tarot is a deck that is just a deck of picture cards, and tarot reading is just.. mumbo jumbo.To me, Tarot reveals what the eye can't see, and reveal the deepest desires and ideas, showing our true selves, as an individual. It is simply naked truth that one may choose to believe, or no. However, fact is, we all somehow know the truth, we just don't wanna face it. My job, or the reader's job, is to reveal the truth, and nothing else. We aint no fortune tellers, we are just messengers of change.
Readings for different people brings a whole lot of different emotions. From the sceptics to the believers, everybody came and leave with a different emtions/reactions. People literally laugh or cry during or after readings. But I on the point of a reader, it is the best indicator of how much information has driven home into the querent's hearts.
The ultimate challenge that Tarot, or life in general gives, is to test on one's acceptance to changes. Let's face it, we as human beings, hate changes, we resist them, run from them or hide from them. But ultimately, all things changes, weather we like it or not.
So dear incognito, while you are reading this, the only advise for you is to wake up and smell the coffee, and move on. Do not indulge in self pity and what's not, for it will only destroy yourself. At the end of the day, you will loose yourself. Take control while you still can, and venture into your new path. The wheel of fortune spins as the wheel wills, acceptance is the key to faith and growth. Bless be.
Friday, October 7, 2011
* Emotional Echoes III *
They say ignorance is bliss, and some things are better left unsaid. As cliché as they may sound, I think truth wisdom really lies in them.Well, where to begin? She says I am too sensitive, and I think she is right. Let's see... as a leo, as an INFJ, as myself, I am blessed/cursed with extra sensitivity and gentleness towards other's emotion, just with a slight hint of annoyance, or a light tinge of sadness etc. As I pick up these signals that other's sent, my heart grows weary, or basking in joy, easily influenced, depending on the situation, especially when it happens to my love ones.
With that being said, I showed empathy to everybody, and of course, the same was not always recipocrated from time to time, so, serve me right. But towards any end, my conscious is free, as I am just being genuine to people in general, although salvaging the broken pieces of my heart is not what I call a rocking affair. To me, it is just all about being genuine, and keeping things simple. Contradicting fact is, people in general, can be really complicated.
So, as a boss, I show empathy to my partners, even though I have to grit my teeth once in awhile, but hey, nobody's the same, and so I can't expect the same results out from everyone. To the very least, I tried my best, and I still will. Of course, I still have a great team of partners, but still, micro-managing every single one of them can be a little tough sometimes. The challenge here is to exercise moderation. Too easy on them, things goes out of control, too tough, people starts complaining/leaving. So, this is the life of a boss, you are expected to understand everybody, but don't expect them to understand you. But I still, I care for every single one of them.
As Jack, I show empathy to her, my love ones, and my friends. And ironically, the same rule applies.I just hold them with a special place in my heart, and be gentle to avoid conflicts, as I really really care about them, espcially her. Well, I thought I can juggle everything, but I think too highly of myself. However, I can't control it as this is something that has being driven/gifted onto me upon birth.
I thought playing nice will have it's rewards, but what I get in return are more misunderstandings and miscommunications, having my intentions misunderstood. I feel really sad and helpless as these happens, and I never learn my lesson(s).
As a bf, I think the strong sensitivity gets doubly highlighted, and overly powerful. As usual, I thought I was behaving like a gentleman and all, but things gets ahead of me and the result was unexpected, and often unfathomable, though it was only for a short 2 weeks. With her, on one hand, I am deeply attracted to her, and on the other, there's something that I can't put a finger to that makes me/us grow wary/tired of each others. Perhaps because of these, we both expected more - more response, more loving attention, and more promises. Bad move Jack, and now, both parties are hurt, more complicated than ever. However, strangely enough, my resolve gets stronger than ever, and the feelings for her remains as pure and simple. I love her. Even though it is clouded in murky situations and cloudy complications.
She gave me a special attention that nobody had, even at the risk of being misunderstood by everyone else. She can always bring a smile to my face, even when the situation is harsh, and we are technically still sore over conflicts that had happened. She has this inbuilt ability to make me laugh with her silly comments and actions, make me melt in an instant just by looking into her eyes, and ultimately, put me to sleep like a pig, just by looking at the pictures and hearing her voice. These things were tested and proven whilst I was miles away in Bali, as I couldn't had survive without her little presence throughout the days through messages, and that call on the 2nd night, which was really really comforting, even though both of us catches little sleep in the end, but I will happily trade my sleep to get the warm, fuzzy feeling in my heart again. It was nothing but sweet, and I really hate myself from tearing away from her to go abroad for work, and let her wait over the few days. Her headstrong and original character, was what (and still is) attracted me to her in the first place.
I have no intentions of hurting her in anyway, but perhaps in the midst of treasuring her, I too, gain the fear to loose her. The result? I made a fool outta myself. Truth to be said, I wasn't confident in myself, while I am still trying to get my bearings back as a lover, which I had seem to lost through my hiatus of being attached over the years.
My biggest regret so far, is that as far as I am a great "feeler", I was never a great communicator. I can express myself in writing, but I can never express the same while talking. So there, I stepped onto landmines after landmines, and I had fallen from once grace again. I know my behaviour was... totally inadequate. In introspection, I feel really embarrassed, though I was also somewhat alittle hurt by what she say. Regretably, we became the victim of miscommunication, and misunderstandings. Now THAT, is an ultimate turn off I guess.
Though rough cloudy days may seems to be back again, I just hope that the weather forecast in the emotional department can show me a little mercy. I know things between us may had come to an end for good, for I dissappointed her greatly. But if god's willing and feeling forgiving, allow me to be thick skinned, and ask for another chance to redeem myself, and to work things (or make things work) between us, just once more. No relationship is perfect, but with the special chemistry that we share, it is really a waste to see it goes down the drain with us realising our full potential. But if it didnt, well, I guess, I will still stick to the old saying that I am still contented.
I don't know what good have I done to her, but I pray that she feels happy with me throughout this short period of time. I am truly sorry that I brought quite alot of disappointment in her, but I hope that I am not judge this way. If things ultimately turn outs to be what it is today, I guess, I will just have to live with the fact that I will protect her from afar, and pray for her to be blessed with happiness everyday, if that's the best I can do.
On a side note, today, being October the 6th, year 2011, seems to be quite a day. With the passing of a titan (and forever my inspirer), Steve Jobs, and the passing of my supervisor's grandad, and with the outcome of me and her, today alone is a pretty rough but remarkable day, a day of loss. However, I guess with an end of something, also marks the beginning of another chapter of life. Life still goes on, and I've heard and mention quite afew times during my conversations here and there just today. I had learned valuable lessons, and these shall strengthen me and toughen up my determination.
Someday perhaps.. I will be able to reach the other end of the rainbow over the horizon, I will not give up. I always believe that love comes from accident, and it's never a coincident. Among the 5 billion world population, we had found comfort in each other. With this belief, I maintained my faith, no matter how dire the situation is, afterall, the patience will be rewarded, and success are only meant for people that last till the end. So, till the end it shall be..... till now, I have not regretted my decision.
Tuesday, October 4, 2011
* The rites of passage *
So, a few conversations here and there with PP. had triggered me to take a walk back in memory lane. Old visions came flooding back like a tsunami as I relate my experiences. And I therefore concurred, that I live everyday as if it was the last, and same goes to being with her.Back in the adolescent days,we are all guilty of doing rashful/stupid things here and there, leaving a special spot in our hearts and minds. Many of these experiences are of course damaging to a certain extend to us, emtionally, but they are nevertheless, influential and essential as a part of growing up. I think that all these mistakes that were made had created a huge impact in my personal growth into me today.
You see, venturing into adulthood is not an easy feat. It doesnt change automatically when one's age hits 21. It sure takes alot of falling down here and there, and making the moments of discovery on things that were never done before, and the changing of perspectives to reach the initial transformation into adulthood. As an old African proverb goes: "do not look where you fell, but where you slipped", I am thankful of these experiences as they made me stronger, as I look back, retrospectively.
Life is not a merciful teacher, so therefore, we have to grit our teeth and sweat/bleed/cry it while we are hit with the impact, but the lessons are drilled deep into our hearts and mind to make lasting impressions, and creating new values in our lives, to make it a whole lot meaningful after the ordeal.
Not to say that I or anyone is perfect now, but we do make mistakes here and there, it is the ability to get on the feet and move on that's important, and most often than not, the most difficult of all tasks. For as human beings, we embrace status quo and hate changes with a passion.
Thus, moving forward, I really appreciate every little things and successes that comes into my life. I really treat every given day (take dating PP for example), as a blessing. One shouldn't be too complancent over it, and take it for granted, and of course, that applies to every aspect of life as well, and therefore, I treat every day or thing that I do as my last, and optimise every given opportunity.
As an individual that hits the age of two six, there are still plenty of discoveries that I had yet to make, so, slow and steady I guess, while I gain a bigger ground and move into doing even bigger things in life, such as settling down, family planning etc.
Being mature sure have it's hefty price to pay, but at the end of the day, all is worth it. "Don't judge a man's success by how high he climbs, but how high he bounces when he hits rock bottom" George S Patton.
Friday, September 23, 2011
* Emotional Echoes II *
*Disclaimer: The post below does not target any specific individual, but a group of different stereotypes that I had encountered lately. So, read with an open mind. No Offence, I just want to vent*They say that the stronger one is emotionally, the more fragile he is inside.
And today, I have a confession to make, I am one such person.
However, I can't cry, however much I want to. Whenever things seems too overwhelming, I always grit my teeth, clench my fists, and take the blows head on, however hard the impact, however harsh the situation. Never a single tear dropped in years, perhaps more than a decade, since I had the sensation of tearing due to overwhelming emotions. I hardly vent, for I am only capable of bottling everything inside.
Time and time again, I survived through pure willpower, and a strong resolve. A resolve to be mentally strong to take whatever challenges life throw to me, to face adversity straight in the face, and to be the pillar of support for everyone else, never erupting, keeping my emotions in check, so I do not hurt anyone.
What a joke. I am always so selfless, taking care of everybody, but myself, showing empathy, being tactful and when dealing with the mundane, yet complex human to human relationship. Regretably, it was never reciprocrated to the same degree. Seldom was empathy shown to me, nor people talking to me tactfully. Everyone hurled me with their problems, their fucking bitch fits, and expected to be heard.
Is it so difficult to like shut the fuck up once in awhile, and just tell yourself and accept the fact that the world don't spin in your fucking direction? Is it so difficult to understand that not everyone think like you do, or behave like you do? Is it so difficult to understand that I am also a human being, and I am dying to scream at your face and introduce this wonderful invention called mirror and take a good look at your own reflection? Are you really that flawless to begin with? It takes 2 hands to clap, and if there's no fire added to the oil (intentionally), would it even burn?
Nobody learns to avoid. Everybody wants a piece of the attention pie. Don't choke on it. And I really think you guys should go fuck yourself, and give me a break. All I get are problems after problems, conflicts after conflicts, day in day out, just so because none of your are open minded enough, and all of you are sensitive motherfuckers that always behave like someone's gonna stab you in the back. Seriously, arn't any of you guys tired and even sorry that you have created this pile of shit in the first place and expect ME to fucking clear it for you all the time, just because of my rank or position, I am expected to do the cleanup all the time. ARNT YOU GUYS BABIES!? HELLO!?
Now that I said enough, I am retreating back into my inner world. Don't be suprise if I am cold, don't be suprise if I don't speak. That's the only way I can protect myself, and keep my emotions in check, until the tsunami of emotions subsides. I will re-emerge, better, stronger, but emotionally scarred.
I am thankful that god blessed me with a strong heart and mind, and a benevolent spirit to deal with these, for I can't breakdown, and I must press on.
I guess, sometimes, all I need is someone that truly understands, a listening ear, a hug that I badly needed, and I will be contented.