Tuesday, February 27, 2007
* Perfection? *
Went Sentosa this noon. Me, Aloy, Erica, Madeline and Mary. The beach, the sun, the volleyball and the cool sea. Sun wasnt as strong as expected, but still.. it was fun for a little change of environment. Trying to work on my tan that I am deprived of, had alittle game of volleyball, and had a dip in the sea. Have sort of a man to man talk with Aloy while relaxing on the shore. Revitalising sea waves, soothing sound and good company. Took a dive in the sea and had alittle swim, while Aloy stayed on the shore as he complained that the water is too cold.Felt so carefree while swimming. Time seems to stop for that moment. Realise that I still embrace the sea, though god knows when was the last time I was near the sea. The talk with Aloy was pretty fruitful, with him and me seeing things on a new light. The girls forgo the swim as they wasnt dressed in swimming gears. but are lying on the beach enjoying massage given by Mary. Man.. what a spa experience.
Sunset time, had a quick shower and took the train back to VivoCity. Had dinner over at the food court and we called it a day. Val couldnt wake up to join us, but oh well.. there will be next time.
Picture speaks more than a thousand words..
Being trying or doing lotsa things that I may not have done way back. Things like singing KTV almost once or twice every week, going to Sentosa, back to blogging, getting my driving license ASAP and start to train up my flabby body once again. Will be picking up swimming regularly and jogging once again. Theres loads of things that had being put to the back of my mind for way too long. Time to complete them.
I want to change, and I want to improve. Looking back at myself, I think its time for me to start doing them instead of just putting them in my mind and chuck them over at a corner. I gotta do myself this favour and STOP being a lazy arse once and for all.
I think taking these steps are essential for me to move on. Relationship may be one of my least priority, as now I can only focus the energy on my family, friends and your truthly.
Did a little pondering and I guess while chasing for perfection (psst.. I was a perfectionist), I had deprived myself and most importantly, her, from doing or experiencing loads of stuff. I was so hellbent on doing things with big bangs that I hasn't being paying attention to the fine little details instead. My logic was simple way back "I will do it with a big bang, or I Don't even do it". Big mistake(s).
As the time goes by.. I hurt alot of people. People that don't deserve such treatment. Ultimately, I realise that one do not have to do things with a big bang to be appreciated. But instead, its the smaller things that actually counts. Simplicity is life's biggest complexity. While I was caught in the neverending race of "self perfection", I overlooked that fact that I had simply neglected alot of things. Things that could be done with alittle effort, or by paying more attention to it. I started learning to read in between the lines, paying close attention to hints and stop thinking about doing things "perfectly".
There's simply no perfection in this world. There will be millions of people out there that are much much more better than I do, there are millions and millions of things out there that are much better than the ones I gave or made. There are millions of people that will simply be way better than me physically, mentally etc. So why compare myself with the whole world? Its actually the little things that I do or say that makes myself unique.
Right now I just wish to strive for improvements, and not perfection. I felt inferior when I felt like I was loosing the race. I wanted attention, but i got none at the very end. Real hard and painful lesson, but it saved me nonetheless. I real hard slap that had awaken me. I will simply burnt out and be left uncontented while the race will continue with or without me. So yea.. its time to change. 1 step at a time, and every effort will help. And I believe one day soon, you guys will be able to note the change in me. The way I talk, the way I do things etc.
Typical behaviours of a Leo, and one that will bring disaster to oneself. All leos out there should take note of this.. and look at things from another perception, and perharps you will be like me.. to embrace change and improve.
I will not try to be "Mr Perfect" anymore. But I will try my best to be "Mr Right". I guess this phrase have alot of meanings in them :), so ya.. I hope someone will understand. Till than.. cest'la'vie. I will improve..
Sunday, February 25, 2007
* Pondering.. *
Dropped by the hospital just now for a regular visit of my grandma. Health condition is improving, and her appetite is a wee bit slightly better. Her legs are as weak as ever, more physiotherapy needed. And her memory gotten worst. Peviously when I asked her whats my name, she would have answered immediately. Today, same question, different answer. She shakes her head, and look at me trying to think of who am I. Now, that came to me as a shock.. and I really dont know how to help her..As far as I know, my life now is upside down generally. The emptiness that strucks is unbearable. I lose alot of sleep, and when I wake up the oh so familiar fear will struck with full force. Whenever I had the 4 walls of my room surrounding me, my defense crumbles and memories and flashbacks will come on me with a vengeance. My room contains too much memories of her. My room was always my sanctuary, and I always yearned to be there. Be it going back after a hard day's work in camp, a mental straining school days, or a fulfilling day going out on a date with her. She would join me in my room sometimes, just to sleep as she find my bed comfy, or dropped by as my mum invited her over for dinner, she loves my mum's cooking. Sometimes when she kicks the blanket, i will tuck it back and land a light kiss on her forehead and just adore her. She looks so cute with her sleeping posture. Still had some pics of her sleeping stored on my comp and phone. Everything we did, every single details, still as vivid as if it happened yesterday.
That was than. Now, my room is the last place that I wish to be in. I feel very defenseless against all this, feeling weak and fragile. Sleep do not come without a struggle, and waking up will be another struggle. On the brink of insanity. Felt like crying, and I think I did once or twice, silently when everything is too much to bear under my blanket. Went out every single day to escape my room, and escape lonliness. I went to MS everyday, to chill and smoke my day away. Trying as hard as I could to waste time, and return home late at night. Same group of people, same thing we did everyday.
Wake up early morning, probbly around 7+ 8, and I will stare at the ceilling for about 30 mins. Wash up, breakfast and stare at my comp and study my assignment questions (CNY bonus.. bleh!). Have a hasty lunch and I will get the hell out. Will meet up with Erica first with her being the most punctual other than me in out gang. Sometimes it will be only me and her, and most of the times it will be joined by others, such as Valentino, Aloy and Eugene. Will usually meet up for chatting and smoking. And sometimes we will meet up to discuss on homework. And sometimes we will meet up to chillout, and had a KTV session together. My singing got better, singing ballads and sad songs that were infused with my real emotions and feelings. Crowd stunner in KTV, with my ok voice and emotions. Special thanks to all the people I mentioned. Without them, I would have cumbled. All good friends that have gone thru thick and thin together, they are really worth my uptmost respect.
Had my haircut this early noon, its real short but I like the new look. New specs, new hairdo and a better dressing style. I look fresher, though I am feeling sad and moody 24/7. Meet up with Erica at the usual hk cafe at ms and had a short chillout session. Talked about this topic that make me felt intrigued. What is true love?
I replied that true love is when the couple can go against all odds and survive through storms after storms just to be together. Kinda a shallow way to put it. Its like you know that carrying on this relationship leads to nowhere, no clear path to take, and the path is laden with lotsa walls and traps that will stop and to kill, but you will still choose to know down the walls, run through the traps, just to be with your partner. You know that the path may leads to a deadend, but you still wanna go, just to be with your partner. You know that this is a mission of no return, a mission to kamikaze, a mission that will destroy yourself, but you still choose to die than to turn back, just to be with your partner. Your partner ultimately may not know you have gone thru so much, or suffering in silence, or your partner may also be doing it, but in a different way.
No, its not silly, nor it's heroic. The answer I gave was simple. Just follow your heart. Though your heart may not make the right decision, but its the most fulfilling. There's no better way than to be with someone you really love, but may not be together in the end. But as for me, I believe that I may not be with her now, but maybe one day fate will bring us back together. Maybe the day wont come, but it may have other arrangement. I loved her, and I still do. Lets see where fate will takes us both. But till than.. its still a painful journey for me, even if I am single right now. Its ironic.. but I have no other choice, and I dont see any either. No I am not a saint.. I am just following my heart..
I remember saying this to her someway back :" Love can't be counted.. and it's your decision to share your love with whoever you want. But to me, i decide to love you only.. and no one else. This is my promise and commitment to you.. and the core reason why i've never cheated on you.." Till today.. its still valid. Perhaps saying all this is useless.. but still.. this means alot to me.
She... simply just stole away my heart, and I never got it back.. Fate is always playing this kinda jokes on me.. I wonder when is all this gonna stop. I.. cant take it anymore.. I hope I can be strong..
Food for thoughts.
Busy days ahead. 3 major assignments deadline drawing close in 2 weeks time. So much work so little time.
* New Path. Fresh Beginning. *
Hello all..Yup.. I am back again.. with a new blog that is.. decided to "close" the old blog down since I got pretty pissed of with all the ads popups given by cjb.net and geocities in general. It will still be kept for the old entries archiving purposes and also because I love my old design haha.. Anyway.. the link to the old blog is located in the left panel.. you can visit it if you feel like reading some super outdated entries.
Well, its being like more than 6 months since the last entry on the old blog. Had being going into an "undeclared" hiatus for that long. Wanted to take a break and the popups were really pissing me off, so yea.. that more or less why i stopped.
Year 2006 just flashed pass so suddenly, and also had quite alot of happenings for the pass few months. Let's see.. My great grandmother, my grandfather and my grandmother were all admitted to the hospital over the past few months continously. Admitted for lotsa reasons. Great Granny had an epilepsy that cost her to lost her ability to speak, and subsequently she was admitted several times after that for frequent fainting. My grandfather, suffered a stroke that cause his body's motion to be slow and unresponsive, he cant walk without aid, but thankfully he still can stand.. though not for long. My grandmother had a bad fall that cause her to fracture her left legs, and had just gone through an op to had it fixed, and to insert a steel support to join the bones, and now she's still recapurating in the hospital, and refuse to eat most of the time, as her appetite is not good for quite a long time.
Now, ever since mid September 2006, I had being visiting the hospital continously till today. Its very heart wenching to see all the old folks i loved dearly in my family admitted to the hospital 1 by 1. They were all very healthy folks, but sickness got the better of them. The sudden transition from healthy to their weakened state today is very alarming. None of them can walk without our aid, and none of them was as alert as they used to be. God.. this had being the worst period of time that my family and I had to go through, not to mention that the medical fees built up can be pretty alarming too.. sigh..
As for myself, I am back to singlehood. Our relationship ended on the 29th December 2006, which lasted for 5 yrs 1 wk. It hits pretty hard, for till now I am still healing myself and trying hard to move on.. But ultimately, I had learned several painful but valuable lessons. Arguments flew, hearts broken, and harsh decisions made. Till now, all this is still a blur in my mind. My transition back to singlehood is not smooth sailing. Suffered alot emotionally and I am still suffering from the after-effects. Sometimes, realisation can be so fast and furious. I guess if we are meant to be we will be together ultimately, and if we're not, there's no use forcing. Lets see where fate takes us. I still care alot about her, and deep down, I know I still love her. There's still alot of unspoken words and emotions that I wanna express, but somehow I dont really know how to fully express myself.
Insonmia, sadness, severe heartaches, moodiness, depression, nightmares, sucidal, desperation and emptiness; to name afew of the after effects, you name it, I have it.
Transition is not easy, but still, thanks to all my good friends that had accompanied me, being there for me, and lending me their listening ears to ease my transition back into singlehood. Its really not easy.. and thanks for being so patient with me. I am still trying my best to pick myself up once again.
Man.. all this pressures, on top of my school work and other life commitments is really taking a toll on me. Man.. life's never harsher.. Till today, I havent being really happy for a real long time.. god.. I need serious help here.
Right now.. I am still seeking for myself. I am still trying my best to seek my inner peace. Its really very chaotic in my very state. No, I am not trying to make myself sound or look pathetic, but these are just afew of the problems and challenges I am facing and need overcoming.
I am now walking on a new path of life, one that had being unexplored and one that I dont know what to expect. Frankly speaking, I am scared. I had lotsa fears, but this new found fear feels so foreign. Pls give me the strength to continue..
On a lighter note, I had gotten my results for my Biz admin and marketing diploma. Gotten 2 higher distinctions, 3 distinctions and 3 credits. Overall grades is distinction. I think this is my best exam result ever achieved in my 22 years of life. Now that I am doing higher diploma.. the stress is even greater, in fact.. its much greater than being in diploma.
Pretty long entry in a long time.. thanks for bearing with me. Happy CNY people. Enjoy while you can..