Friday, September 23, 2011
* Emotional Echoes II *
*Disclaimer: The post below does not target any specific individual, but a group of different stereotypes that I had encountered lately. So, read with an open mind. No Offence, I just want to vent*They say that the stronger one is emotionally, the more fragile he is inside.
And today, I have a confession to make, I am one such person.
However, I can't cry, however much I want to. Whenever things seems too overwhelming, I always grit my teeth, clench my fists, and take the blows head on, however hard the impact, however harsh the situation. Never a single tear dropped in years, perhaps more than a decade, since I had the sensation of tearing due to overwhelming emotions. I hardly vent, for I am only capable of bottling everything inside.
Time and time again, I survived through pure willpower, and a strong resolve. A resolve to be mentally strong to take whatever challenges life throw to me, to face adversity straight in the face, and to be the pillar of support for everyone else, never erupting, keeping my emotions in check, so I do not hurt anyone.
What a joke. I am always so selfless, taking care of everybody, but myself, showing empathy, being tactful and when dealing with the mundane, yet complex human to human relationship. Regretably, it was never reciprocrated to the same degree. Seldom was empathy shown to me, nor people talking to me tactfully. Everyone hurled me with their problems, their fucking bitch fits, and expected to be heard.
Is it so difficult to like shut the fuck up once in awhile, and just tell yourself and accept the fact that the world don't spin in your fucking direction? Is it so difficult to understand that not everyone think like you do, or behave like you do? Is it so difficult to understand that I am also a human being, and I am dying to scream at your face and introduce this wonderful invention called mirror and take a good look at your own reflection? Are you really that flawless to begin with? It takes 2 hands to clap, and if there's no fire added to the oil (intentionally), would it even burn?
Nobody learns to avoid. Everybody wants a piece of the attention pie. Don't choke on it. And I really think you guys should go fuck yourself, and give me a break. All I get are problems after problems, conflicts after conflicts, day in day out, just so because none of your are open minded enough, and all of you are sensitive motherfuckers that always behave like someone's gonna stab you in the back. Seriously, arn't any of you guys tired and even sorry that you have created this pile of shit in the first place and expect ME to fucking clear it for you all the time, just because of my rank or position, I am expected to do the cleanup all the time. ARNT YOU GUYS BABIES!? HELLO!?
Now that I said enough, I am retreating back into my inner world. Don't be suprise if I am cold, don't be suprise if I don't speak. That's the only way I can protect myself, and keep my emotions in check, until the tsunami of emotions subsides. I will re-emerge, better, stronger, but emotionally scarred.
I am thankful that god blessed me with a strong heart and mind, and a benevolent spirit to deal with these, for I can't breakdown, and I must press on.
I guess, sometimes, all I need is someone that truly understands, a listening ear, a hug that I badly needed, and I will be contented.
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
* The retail culture *
They say that people working in the retail industry are lonely people. I can't help but concur. A stroll down Suntec City and Marina square has gotten me encounter with 3 Starbucks partners (managers/Store managers to be exact) that are strolling alone, which includes myself. Of course I stopped and had some random banter with them, and they were all out alone.Can't help but pity all of us, stuck in this vicious cycle of shift work, drawing us far away from the good ol' vibrant social life out there. In off days like this, what can we do? Where all our friends are working in the offices, who can we hang out with other than ourselves or just to head back to store just to kill that boredom and emptiness. Even when it comes to travelling, I travel alone (twice only la), well, easiest way to plan for a solo getaway and it's not really harsh on the pocket, flexi schedule too, all adds onto the sense of adventure. (Comes to think about it, maybe a 2-3 days solo getaway in a cruise sounds really tempting :D ).
Very ironic situation. When you are free, the friends will usually be busy working, and vice versa, OR, we are too tired to meetup after a hard day in store, running shifts can be really be an endless energy sink sometime, and the body's too drained to do anything else other than heading home. Not to mention that firefighting situation always happens, and we will be activated back to work, just to cover the insufficient manpower. So yea, the friends will always be complaining and sooner, one by one will give up on asking you out, and we will be isolated.
Well, of course it is not the end of the world, to each of it's own. What I get in return is of course a good career advancement where it might take the rest years to climb, and many many precious working experiences that will definitely comes in handy as I climb up the corporate ladder.
What to do? All these for the better future of my love ones, and myself. What I lack, I have to work triple hard to acheive. As always, you win some, you lose some. I am confident, that my sacrifices today, will be paid off in the future. Well, that's my only motivation that keeps me going, albiet the rejections that I had faced in life. If I don't do it, who will? There's no easy way but to earn it, and as always, it's now or never. I gotta do it while I still have the chance, than live to regret later, for, a dream will stay as a dream unless actions are taken to bring it into reality. The leo in me concur.
But of course, I am forever grateful that certain of my friends never deserted me in times of need, forever so accomodating to my schedules, and of course, a certain partner that never fails to brighten my shifts up. What more can I ask for?
Not like it will be the end of my somewhat lonely days. many more ahead to come, I just have to endure. All shall come in good time, and I believe.
* Heart's rendition *
They say that a picture speaks a thousand words, so let this video speaks a million words. Can't find anything better that resonates so clearly with what my heart feels. The pain is.. undescribable.
There are always sacrifices to be made, and somebody will have to make a trip to hell. I'll do it, and I will make sure I come back up.
Like always, I'll return bigger, better, faster and stronger. I never change, and so is my stand. If I'd give up so easily, I ain't Jack. I survive, on pure willpower. As usual, I have nothing to lose, and everything to gain. I have nothing, but time. So let me put myself to the test, again.
我一定要加油!
If i told you i felt perfect i'd be lying
If there's something i'm not doing girl im trying
But you know im no angel
But im not so bad.
Friday, September 9, 2011
* Of urban exploration, travelling, wanderlusting and reminiscence *
So, how long have I neglected urban exploration and what's not, so asked the wanderlust inner child. The long chat I had while chilling over drinks with Colin and Felicia yesterday got me thinking again. Travelling, adventure, food trail, urban explorations, and cultural immersions has always being part of my annual agenda. Nothing major done this year, except for the recent Bangkok trip of pilgrimage and shopping madness.Looking back, those were the days where I, or a buncha of us, bored as hell, would just meet up and go on to random places just for the sake of finding good food, or simply just to explore. You'll be pleasantly suprised to note that whilst Singapore is small, the sidewalks, boulevards and lorongs are filled to the brim with awesome food places, and other unique knick knacks that no shopping centres can offer. Abandoned buildings, are of course, the next highlights, of course, with the risk of us being caught for trespassing. From the abandoned Bruneian Hostel, nestled deep within the party crazed Dempsy Hill, to the infamous Old Changi Hospital, Old Commando Barracks, and certain deserted beaches/coves along Lim Chu Kang, all these brings out a deep sense of fun and the anxiety of not knowing what to expect next, just like a modern day Indiana Jones. Except that these time round, we are not exploring caves or what's not, but buildings that potentially be hazardous due to the weakening structure, or it's "other world occupants".
The old Bruneian Hostel taken from my iPhone
And of course, not to forget about travelling. I love travelling, and I want to visit many many many many many places, given the time and $. I am a sucker to travelling, from luxury trips to backpacking, I am game. I love visiting exotic places, and away from the "touristy" places of attractions, for thats where I can immerse right smack into the local culture. Sidewalks in Bangkok, walking through slums in Jarkarta, Cambodia and Bandah Aceh (during my disaster relief mission post 2005 Tsunami). Too many places to recall at the back of my head, but here's 1 pic of a traditional Cambodian wet market where I was purchasing supplies for the children of the poor Cambodian orphange. Good times, eye openers, and more of such trips to come hopefully. Male and my friend's family own Beach resot (Maldives) for luxury trip, and a backpacking trip down Tibet/Nepal to catch the sight of Himalayas, and the lake of past life. Till than, here's the pics:
Cambodian Wet Market for groceries purchase at localised prices (dirt cheap, their super markets are cut throats)
Pub Street, Siem Reap
Distributing supplies to a children shelter with no address, in a slum, Cambodia.
Thursday, September 1, 2011
* Introspective Me *
Now, I always love to spend some quality time with no other than me, myself and I. I think I am probbably used to this lifestyle anyway, always feeding the inner child in me with endless attention and to appease his wanderlust moments, and bouts of attention seeking moments.Like I say, I am really used to spend time alone, from being a couch potato to an adventurer, I had being there done that. Come to think about it, the entire romance with myself started ever since my Uni days, where I will be the first to reach the school library and the last to leave, just to research on my endless assignments and to mug for exams, and I do it alone sometimes as the rest of my cliques are too lazy to travel to school and value their bed more to make their way down. Suprisingly, I am able to substain such a routine for 3 years, and I kinda like it.
I embrace the freedom to do whatever I want, however I want. In a way, it is also to discipline myself, for the love of my academic results. You see, as a ITE grad, I am not born smart technically. So, the only way to offset the difference, is for me to work doubly hard for my studies. Having fun, well, is only savoured as a reward during the holiday season for all the hardwork put in. I work in MDA on and off during my holidays anyway, so it's not like I have all time in the world to enjoy.
I am a strong believer that the ample preparations must be made to enter the merciless society, and nobody will make it if we simply just induge in fun and nothing else, during the days of our academic lives. Seriously, I had so much fun during my Secondary school days that I fucked my results up, and I ain't gonna fuck the rest of my life, just for pleasure. I guess, pleasure will come when everything is on track.
No life? yep, very no life, even till today. From a studiholic to a workaholic, what's new? Well, I enjoy the finer things in life, such as travelling, chilling over nice drinks, food hunting and visiting unique restaurants. As the old saying goes, "No pain, no gain", therefore, it is a necessity for me to work my arse off to acheive what I want tomorrow, literally.
Fact is, I am not borned with a silver spoon, nor the intellegence, so, I can only stick to the golden rule above to earn my own silver spoon. So far, the hardwork has shown some results; Getting numerous scholarships since my ITE days, acheiving my degree with 2nd Class Honors grade 1, being the fastest promoted Store Manager in Starbucks Singapore history (working from bottom's up) etc. Sweet little victories I must say, and baby steps towards the path I set for my ultimate success. And of course, I love to see the faces of my really rich relatives and whats not whenever they asked about me or making comparison to their offsprings.
I want to soar among the eagles, not with the turkeys. I want to prove to people that look down on me that I can make a difference, by doing and acheiving things the right way, even though I have a far inferior background compared to the rest of them. I want to do great things to acheive even greater things, so that I can give my family the lives that they deserve, and to have greater power and ability to help the people that truly deserves it. I want to run a orphanage and groom every single one of them to be the great individual that they can be, given the right opportunity.
Big ambition yes? Of course! But all these are simply just dreams, if I sit still and do nothing, and whining how unfair is life, and on the contrary, I think life is fair actually. If there's a will, there's a way, and one can only savour success when one last till the end. So, I will never trade anything now, for the future will be bigger, faster, stronger and better. Acheiving financial freedom is not a dream.